Wednesday, June 29, 2011

June 30. Thirty words.


Child arise,
stir the glitter of motes
till sun turns red,
but gather the grey,
under your arm,

that amazing weight
measures pain and slows time.

It defines hope.



Brian Miller said...

from gather the grey i love this piece, the whimsy in the opening lines give balance to it, might tighten those lines a bit though...

S. Etole said...

I always go away with your words weighing ...

Keisha Valentina said...

Ah... yes.
Thanking you for poetry in my inbox and encouraging words on my blog.

Susan, thank you.

Goat said...

Hey Brian--tighten the first few lines--be specific. You are right, I was going for some whimsy to contrast the seriousness--how a child loves glitter and how the stir of dust in the air makes a setting sun turn brilliant red (I wanted to stay away from cliched imagery of red skies but give the feeling omnipotence a child feels as he affects his world). Then all goes to grey. Tighter--meaning? or different images? or line breaks? Too condensed? The use of command form seemed right in addressing a child, do you agree? Did it speak to the child in you?

Pig Woman said...

I was a bit confused by this until I read your explanation. Do you think you could tack one of those on all of these for the poetically challenged? (snort)

Now I like it more every time I read it. Really like it! Love the whimsy. Only thing that gives me pause is that the "It" in the last line kinda stands out funny to me. Don't know why but I kind of feel a stumble when I get there. Anyone else find that, or is it just me?
Need it for 30 words, of course.

Goat said...

Ahhhh yes, I see your point Pig Woman. Those pesky pronouns. I should have made the last line: Darkness defines hope. Yes? Nope?

Craig and Bethany said...

Hope, the almost invisible grey that shines red in the right light.

I agree about the pronoun at the end. I didn't really realize it until auntie mentioned. I think she may be more poetical than she thinks!

Stunning pics, especially as a pair.

Oh, and I love it more with every read too. Great poem.

Pig Woman said...

Yes. Perfect.